American police. Right.
We're working with the local authorities...
to keep undesirable characters out of Mexico.
We're after a confidence man named Joe Bascom.
I should be glad to assist you. Thanks.
Keep your eyes open for a pudgy guy...
who looks as if he were apologizing for something.
Dark complexion, 5'5" and fat.
That description fits many men.
How would I know him? That's our trouble. We don't know him either.
How do you know he's here? We traced him from El Paso.
He won a dance marathon contest.
Used the prize money to get here.
He danced the samba for 68 hours straight... still goofy from it too.
Please, don't whistle the samba.
Thank you.
Please! I asked you not to whistle that tune. Don't do it anymore!
Bullfight. Come on.
Hey, look!
That must be Bascom!
So that's Montana! She's beautiful. Clever too.
I took that kid from a small-time rodeo...
and built her up to this.
No.
Oh, no. No! It couldn't be.
What couldn't be, senor? Nothing. Nothing.
I thought I saw something I hope I didn't see.
Excuse me just a minute.
I can't find him, boss.
He's got to be around here. Come on. Let's go here.
Dale a tu hermano. Dame el tajo grande a mí. Huh?
Estoy hablando a mi hijo.
No más.
Dame el ajo.
Garlic.
Mmm. Muy bueno esto. Esto está bueno.
Está bueno, verdad? No le gusta a usted? Ah... ooo!
No sabe usted lo que es bueno, hombre.
No sabe usted lo que es bueno. Oh, no. Bueno, bueno.
Es lo mejor que hay para el estómago.
Um... um...
iVa.! Qué tiene? Está bueno esto, hombre.
Hablo... Hablo es... I blow outta here.
I'll see you later.
I'm... gonna go now. Está bien. Adiós.
Thank you.
Mama. Mama!
I'm sick, Mama.
You looked up there? I looked all over that section.
Excuse me. All right.
Bascom!
Excuse me.
What are you doing here in Mexico? I'm lookin' for you!
And I'm gonna stick around until...
you give back the money you stole from my friends in Iowa. I stole?
You're the one the cops are after. But you've got the money.
Shh. Do the cops know you're here? The two guys chasing me.
I'm gonna tell 'em the truth and then they're gonna get you.
Look, Joe, we'll talk about the money later.
The most important thing, don't get yourself arrested.
Go find an empty seat and hide under it.
I'll see you after a while. I guess I told him.
Adamson, something's come up.
I've gotta have the dough right away. Lambert, let's not be hasty.
Our agreement is, when Montana chooses me to be the Amigo Americano,
I return the money for the silver mine. If Gus is the Amigo Americano,
he can stick somebody else with the mine.
It will sell like hotcakes! Maybe five or six times!
Beat it before people think we're framing it for me to be the Amigo.
iEl toro.! iEl toro.!
iEl toro.!
What are you doing here? You told me to find an empty seat.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
What are you trying to do? Ruin me? Me... ruin you? Hmph!
Who was it that told me I had oil in my backyard?
Who was it that made me sell that phony stock to my friends?
That ran away with the money? That made Mary mad at me?
If you're getting tired of the "whos" I got a "what" for you... on second base.
There's a guy gonna give me the dough after the bullfight.
Sit still. Quiet.
: Olé.!
Sit down! Who's the Swede they're yellin' for?
What Swede? Ole.
Play dead, will ya? "Play dead, will ya?"
: Olé.!
: Olé.!: Olé.!
Didn't I tell you to sit down? I wanna see what Ole's doin'.
They're cheering Montana. That's the way the Mexicans say "hurrah. "
Why don't they say "hooray"? When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
How do the Romans say "hooray"? Oh, skip it.
"Oh, skip it"? That's sillier than "Ole. "
Oh, skip it. Ole.
Ole oh, skip it Shh.
I still like "hooray. "
Will you keep quiet? Hooray, hooray, hooray!
: Olé.!
Hooray!
What happened? Montana just finished the bull.
I'm finished with your bull. Where's the money? I'll have the money.
Friends, amigos.
As you've read in the newspapers and heard over the radio,
today starts Amigo Americano Week.
A citizen of the United States will be selected as a representative American.
Hey, that voice is very familiar.
For seven glorious days, he will tour Mexico as an honored guest.
My hat will be the key to Mexico.
The lucky American who catches it...
will be the Amigo Americano.
Hey, it's Ma...
No wonder you didn't want me to see what was going on.
Why, you dirty crook! Mary!
One...
two... Mary?
- Mary! - Joe Bascom. You...
iViva el Amigo Americano.!
Boys, put him down. There's been a mistake. I'll say.
I figured it was a double cross when you wanted the dough fast.
Gus... You've got as much honor as that mine has silver.
Sell it to the fat chump. He hasn't got a quarter.
Neither have you.
Things are not cooking so good, are they, Harry? Awful.
If Gus was made the Amigo Americano,
you could use the position to sell the silver mine.
Why don't we get the cute amigo to sell the mine? It won't work.
Bascom's too stupid and too honest.
But we're not too stupid and we're not too honest.
Put me down!
I demand a fair trial. I'm innocent, I tell you.
Senor, you just have been made Amigo Americano.
That's one rap you'll never pin on me.
I'll wire my American consul, my congressman!
Put me down! Get me down.
The very idea! Huh!
Oh!
Will you come quietly, Bascom? Bascom?
My name is Fish, Humphrey Fish. Why did you run away?
Why were you chasing me? Because you ran away. Why'd you run?
Because you were chasing me. Just a minute.
You made a mistake.
I happen to know Mr., um... Fish.
I'd rather call myself a crook. So would I.
Who are you? That's Mr. Harry Lambert.
He goes wherever I go, don't you, Mr. Lambert?
We think he's Joe Bascom. You swear he's Humphrey Fish? Got a picture of Bascom?
No. He took it on the lam before he could be mugged.
That's Humphrey Fish. Release him immediately.
Something wrong, Mr. Lambert? Yes, Mr. Winthrop.
These men think my pal, Humphrey Fish, is Joe Bascom, a fugitive.
A case of mistaken identity. That's a lot of malarkey.
This guy adds up toJoe Bascom. Bascom is short and dumpy.
Like you? Like me. And he's got a roly-poly face.
Like you? Like me! And he's got short, fat, stumpy legs.
Like you? Yeah, like me!
Arrest that man!
Let's go, boys. iViva el Amigo Americano.!
Hold it. That's wonderful.
Girls, how about a little kiss, a smile?
Hold it, hold it. Thank you, senoritas, senor.
And I want to thank you, senor.
Girls, thank you for having your picture taken with me.
Do not thank us. We are with the compliments of the chamber of commerce.
We are your ladies-in-waiting.
Senor, es un placer estar con usted.
This kid I can never understand.
It would be bad publicity if you were to get lonesome.
Senor, queremos que su visita aquí sea muy feliz.
Muy feliz. iMuy feliz.! I'm lost again.
Mr. Fish, I'm waiting for my interview!
I forgot all about you. Excuse me, girls.
On behalf of the Amalgamated Press, I'd like to ask a few questions.
How do you feel about this responsibility...
in making you the Amigo Americano? Well, it's...
You are all alike.
Would you say the relationship exemplified...
by your lackadaisical efforts to promote goodwill...
could possibly accomplish anything? Well...
You sound like an egotist.
Why do you attempt to use polysyllabic conversation...
when your intelligence quotient is minus nil?
Stick to words of one syllable. Do you know what a syllable is?
What's a syllable? Are you sure you know? A syllable...
Give me your definition. Go ahead. Take it easy. A s...
One word at a time. You're sure you know?
Don't get excited. Will you get out!
Tell the girls so the girls will know.
What's a syllable? Don't rush yourself.
I want the girls to know you're a smart man.
What's a syllable exactly? A syllable is...
You're sure you know what a syllable is?
Give a simple explanation. If you give it to me it's bound to be simple.
What is a syllable?
You don't mind if I get a word in here, do you? Go ahead. I'm getting hoarse.
A syllable is a sound. How is the sound formed?
It's formed by letters placed in juxtaposition one to the other.
See what I mean? No, I'm telling you.
How many letters in the alphabet? About...
Not about. There's a definite number. New rules, huh?
No, there's always been a definite number.
Are they all alike? Nooo. Nooo.
I got that one in. Of course!
There are consonants and vowels. Can you name the consonants?
North America, South America, Paterson, New Jersey.
No, the consonants are 21 in number and five vowels.
Twenty-eight? I was close. No. Twenty-six.
What do you form? Syllables.
Syllables form words, words form sentences.
Then people talk or do what you've been doing. What have I been doing?
Making a fool of yourself. Trying to attack me, hey? Look!
After I treat you like a gentleman, you get antagonistic.
I dare you to hit me once more!
Oh, using both hands. You ought to be ashamed.
Oh, trying to pull a knife. Let me give you advice.
When a reporter asks you for an interview, don't talk so much!
Me and my big mouth.
We'd rather have a cute one than a smart one.
Sit down, amigo.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Come right in.
Senor, we are going to show you the sights. Wow!
We will try to make your stay a pleasant one. Wow!
Mary! I'm sorry. I didn't know you were busy.
Don't go, Mary. Girls, do your waitin' on the outside.
Go ahead. Vamos. Andale, andale.
I'll see ya.
Mary, please don't believe what you just saw.
When I was with them, I was thinking of you.
Gosh, I'm glad you've come to see me. Really?
I didn't think you'd be anxious to see me again,
Mr. Joe Bascom, alias Humphrey Fish!
Mary? Stop calling me Mary! Here I'm known as Montana.
But Mary's such a grand old name. Then you use it!
Me use it. Mary Fish.
That don't sound good. The guys... Oh, that's silly.
Oh, stop it!
I'm sorry. Mary?
Mary, if you didn't like me,
why did you make me the Amigo Americano? That was an accident.
When I saw you, I got so mad I had to throw something!
And I thought you liked me. I like you.
Then will you please do me a favor and get out of Mexico?
Joe, if you're arrested and they find out I knew you, I'm in an awful mess.
Excuse me, please.
I'm sorry. I got better manners than that.
Mr. Fish? I'm David Winthrop from the embassy.
Come right in. Thank you. I just dropped by...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude.
I didn't know you knew each other. This is Mar... Miss Montana.
Yes, I know. How do you do?
I just came up to congratulate the Amigo. I was just leaving.
Please don't go. I'd like to talk to you. I'll only be a moment.
I dropped by to point out that during your tour...
you will be an ambassador of the United States.
Me an ambassador? Uh-huh.
I'm only a little boy! An ambassador of goodwill.
Your every move will be watched.
The embassy didn't want the tour to be a strain...
so we've taken the liberty of preparing your speeches. Here's the one for Taxco.
Mr. Fish, do you think you can deliver a speech? And why not?
I used to deliver newspapers and they're heavier than this.
Shall we go, Mr. Winthrop?
Allow me!
If there's anything else you want to know, check with Mr. Lambert.
Unfortunately, I can't locate him.
He's probably all tied up. Good-bye.
Wait a minute.!
Ambassador. Oh!
Harry, do you think there's any future in me being an ambassador?
Oh.!
I forgot.
Why didn't you tell me you were goin' on a tour?
How could I say anything? You had me hogtied!
What's the idea? I just wanted to make sure that you hang around.
If I get pinched, I want to make sure the cops get you too.
Wait a minute, you birdbrain!
Thanks to me, they think you're Humphrey Fish.
Before they can arrest you, they've got to prove that you'reJoe Bascom.
I'm not gonna tell 'em.
Furthermore, just who is this guyJoe Bascom?
You'll find out soon enough. How am I gonna find out?
Look at here. "J.B."
Did you ever see "Fish" spelled with a "B"? Barracuda.
Don't give me that barracuda!
That's expensive. Wait a minute. "J.B."
You can't show those initials.
Why can't I? You can't afford to.
You're Fish now, notJ.B. I'm Fish?
Let me see the inside of your coat.
"J.B." Take that coat off.
You want to get us in trouble? Don't get so rough.
Look at this... on the pocket, "J.B."
Wait. Have you got your initials on your watch? No, sir.
That's fine. I got my full name on it.
Your full name? Can you imagine that? Joe Bascom.
Don't break the watch. You want to get us in trouble?
Harry, don't!
Get this. "J.B." On your belt.
Take it off. You can't haveJ.B. anywhere.
You want to expose us? Take it off! Don't take...
Take the pants...
Now I got everything with the initials J.B. on it.
Harry, I'm not sure, but it's worth a look. What's the matter?
"J.B."J.B.!
Take it off!
Come on. Get it off. We can't take any chances.
Leave the arms on, Harry. Never mind the arms.
Get out of my way. Hurry up before anyone comes in.
I don't know what you're excited about.
Ahí viene el senor americano.
A gift for the senor americano.
Gracias. That means thank you.
La canasta más bonita en todo México. Sí, senor.
Look, a gift for the senor americano.
Ah, gracias, gracias.
Harry, hold this. Now what?
Ah, senor, a gift for mi Amigo Americano.
Gracias, gracias. De nada.
Everybody's giving me gifts.
I too have a present for the Amigo.
No, lady.
I only wanted to give him this gift from my people.
Come on.
That's wonderful. Es usted pintor? Gusta usted pintar a la senorita?
You'd like to paint? Oh, I'd love to.
Andele, pues. Thank you.
Pase usted. Thank you, sir.
Here.
iNo, no, no, no.! iA la senorita.!
Lo que ha pintado.
Humphrey.!
Stay with us.
You're all with the Amigo? Certainly!
For the senorita, it is the best Taxco silver.
Thank you!
For you, a beautiful bracelet. Thank you.
That's wonderful! That is pretty.
What wonderful craftsmen they have in this country.
A short time ago, that was just a hunk of silver ore.
Silver or what? Silver ore!
It's gotta be silver or something.
That's been lying in the ground for thousands of years.
They dig it up and smelt it. In the ground? No wonder it smells.
I wouldn't dig it up. I'd dig it deeper. Down, down!
Put a pole and stick it down in the dirt.
He's trying to tell you that the ore is smelted.
What kind of English is that?
Smelted means smelted by a smelter.
When a smelter melts... it smelts.
Does that penetrate? I'm getting a whiff of it.
After it's smelted down,
it's made into beautiful ornaments by a smith. By a Smith?
Couldn'tJones make it? Sure, but he'd still be a smith.
How could Jones be a Smith? He's gotta be a smith to make these.
Jones don't have to be a Smith. Definitely!
Why should Jones change his name just to make these?
Didn't you ever go to school, stupid? Yes. I come out the same way.
That's what I thought. I used to go to school.
Look. You take a shovel and go into the mine.
You locate the mother lode. Then you strike the vein.
Just a minute. Don't go no further. Why?
Listen. I didn't mind it when you told me...
a guy had to change his name from Jones to Smith to make this stuff,
and when you said it was silver "or"... and you refused to finish the sentence.
That goes for you too!
I didn't mind any of that! Take it easy.
But when you said that I have to go into a mine with a shovel...
and hit my mother in the vein while she's carrying a load,
that is going too far!
iSenor.!
Oh, it's you.
Senor, you did not comprend.
I have a gift.
This is an old secret of my people.
We call it the elixir of contentment.
Its fragrance brings kindness.
Kindness brings understanding.
Understanding brings love.
With my people, if a husband and wife...
or two sweethearts, or friends quarrel,
they inhale the fragrance and in one moment...
all is forgiven. Ahhh.
Lady?
Does it always work?
Always.
Vengan, children.
Humphrey, how many times have I told you not to leave the party?
You know that's not fair! I won't warn you again.
No matter, no matter...
Humphrey, did I raise my voice to you? Yes, you did.
Please forgive me. Hmm... I might!
I'm terribly sorry.
Come on, folks.
Come on, Humphrey. Out to the car.
Amigo, Amigo.! This is the car I told you about.
This is the automobile? Sí. Cómo no, entre.
For the Amigo Americano. Come on in, Harry.
This is my automobile.
Mr. Martinez tells me this is a very expensive car.
500,000 pesos. That's ridiculous. That's $100,000.
You know why? Because Mr. Gonzales, the salesman, comes with the car.
Get the keys and let's get going. "Get the keys... "
Come on! So I'll get the keys!
Mr. Gonzales, may I have the keys please?
Thank you.
That's Mr. Gonzales.
Senores...
Oh, Harry, I'll never get that speech.
Let me have my money and go home.
I told you I'd have your money in a day or so.
He can't get the money if you don't make a speech.
All right. Senor...
Excuse me.
Hello? It's for you. Thanks.
Hello? It's for you.
Hello? It's for you!
Hello? Ah.
Who was it? Wrong number.
Senor, cabal...
Please let Mr. Winthrop make the speech.
Why worry? I've hired the greatest elocution teacher.
He'll be here to give you a lesson.
What do you worry for?
Did Abraham Lincoln worry when he says his Gettysburg Address? Nah!
He says, "one score and... " two score? No, no. Four.
This kid don't know the score and she's trying to make a speech.
That must be him now.
Come right in. Good evening, senor. I'm Professor Ganzmeyer.
My hat, my cane.
Your first elocution lesson will be $10. Not me. Him.
For him it will be $20. What are you doing with my cane and hat?
We'll have to hurry. He's got to make a speech.
You cannot expect me to teach him in one lesson.
He will know as much in one lesson as 50.
Inmediatamente, senorita. Prontísimo. Muy encantado de verla.
Not her! Him! Oh, too bad. Hold my gloves.
Let's see if you are equipped for public speaking. Watch.
What are you doing with my gloves?
Nose, uh-huh.
Mouth, uh-huh. Larynx, uh-huh.
Diaphragm. Oh, bueno.!
Very good tone in the lower register.
Take a deep breath and hold it for five minutes.
Five minutes? It's easy. Five minutes.
Call me in five minutes.
You cheated, you blew out. I had to blow out or I'd blow up!
Good speaking is a matter of good breathing.
Inhale and then exhale. Watch me. Like this.
Harry! Come back here, come back here.
I show it to you again.
All beginning is difficult, but you learn.
Inhale then exhale... like this.
What happened? Oh, how do you do? Never mind. The lesson.
How can I teach you to make a speech when you do not listen to me?
Open your mouth. Stick out your tongue, further!
It's all right on this side. Now turn it over.
Now open your mouth wide and say "aaaaaaaa. "
Say it.
Open your mouth wide and say "aaaaaaaa. "
Say it! Spit it out!
iAy, caramba.! You don't breathe right!
Say it! How can I say it with your hand over my mouth?
I would like to see you inhale.
Look, hombre, I'll teach you how to breathe.
Suck in the air like this.
And it goes through nose, mouth, larynx, diaphragm.
Nose, mouth, larynx, diaphragm.
Nose, mouth, larynx, diaphragm. Please, please.
No, no, no! Listen to the professor.
Never mind. Your diaphragm, your chest.
Diaphragm, chest, diaphragm, chest.
Are you ticklish? Only around the fryin' pan.
Where is the speech?
The speech? The speech.
I never did get to read the speech. It's in my other coat. Well, get it.
I'll get it. Just a minute. Stay right here.
How can I teach you to make a speech when you do not listen?
You must breathe properly. All breathing is difficult.
All I want you to do is inhale, then exhale.
First, inhale.
No, no, no. Listen to the professor.
Would you care for a drink? Gracias, senor.
Really?
Is that it?
"Embassy of the United States. " That's it.
Go on. Read. Yes, sir.
"Mexico is the land of golden opportunity.
Its ferteel valleys... " Not ferteel.
Emphasize the "F." Fertile!
"Mexico is the land of golden opportunity.
Its fertile valleys and touring mountains... " No, no, no.
Whoever heard of touring mountains?
Its towering mountains!
"Towering mountains...
and its abu... abububub... "
Not abububub.! Abundant.
What's the next word?
Plains.!
How dare you! I'm your elocution teacher.
I'm trying to make a living, and you say plains... plains. I'm sorry.
I accept your apology. Let's have some wine. Yes, sir.
Remember. In vino veritas: "In wine is truth. "
Ah, ha-ha-ha. Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a remarkable country.
But enough for fertile valleys,
towering mountains and abundant plains.
Another of nature's precious gifts to this great land...
is its vast mineral wealth.
Hundreds of millions have been taken out of the silver mines.
But there's still more where those millions came from.
Private surveys show that even though many of these mines were abandoned...
modern equipment can still produce more millions from them.
This is truly the land of opportunity.
Before I close, I would like to take a fine statement...
from one of your statesmen of many years back,
Pedro de la Cruz Franco Poncho-la Wa Wa...
from Chihuahua,
who said these never to be forgotten words...
quote... I thank you... unquote.
Lambert, I'm ready to do business on that mine...
Mr. Lambert, you spoke to me about a silver mine...
Mr. Lambert, I'd like a chance to bid on that mine.
If you're prepared to issue stock, I'd write a check immediately.
There's no rush. Perhaps you'll consider a partnership?
I have holdings in South America. We'll talk that over.
Mr. Lambert and I were on the verge of closing a deal.
Mr. Clark, gentlemen, please.
I want to be fair and square. Share and share alike.
No doubt you're all going to Acapulco on the Amigo Americano Tour.
We'll see that you all share equally in this bonanza.
Ah-ha! Pretty little thing.
With all the tourists, boy, we'll hit the jackpot!
The last time you used this machine, I got in trouble. This machine will get you out.
I don't think anything's gonna get me out. Why worry?
I let you buy the ink. Yes, sir.
To clean up that mess in Iowa, I'm giving you 50% of the profits, am I not?
To prove I'm on the level, I've got the mine in your name.
That's got me worried. Putting the mine in my name.
Wait. You sold oil stock without having an oil well.
But here you have a real silver mine! There's one thing I'd like to ask.
What is that? Is this on the level?
Are you an honest man? You bet your life I am.
Would an honest man make phony stock? He certainly would not.
Who made this? Who signed it? Me... I did.
Then it's got to be on the level. That's right.
Sign the rest of them and remember your name is Humphrey Fish.
How can I ever forget it?
Well, my sales force! Come right in.
Hello, Mr. Lambert. Hi, Mr. Lambert.
Finest little sales force this side of the border.
How'd we do today? We did wonderful.
Get a load of this!
Wow.!
Great idea hiring girls instead of men.
That's what I call using psychology.
That's beautiful psychology.
Well, girls, here's a new batch.
There you are. Good luck to you.
Senor, would you like to buy some stock?
Oh. Stock?
That's $100. That'll be four shares.
Thank you, senor.
Get a load of that.
I no more than turn my back and she makes a sale.
They belong on the desk. What are you doing with 'em?
Remember, for every five shares you sell, you get one share for yourselves.
Understood? On your way.
Good luck. Boy, oh, boy!
Give me that! I'm supposed to take charge of the money.
Do you want some smooth-talking crook to take it from you?
No, that's why I'm gonna keep it. Watch out for that dough.
I'm very busy today, Harry. Don't worry about the money.
I'm warning you! See you later, Harry.
I've got to find a place to hide this money so Harry don't find it.
Behind the mirror! Good idea.
Hurry up!
Oh, Harry, no fair peeking!
I can read the lines. You got troubles, no? I got troubles, yes!
Dagmar, find out where the Amigo Americano has hidden that dough.
What's the big hurry? More money's coming in. I can't wait.
Uh-huh! Maybe it's going to be a little double-cross.
Maybe you steal the money and... take it on the scram.
You've got me all wrong.
I just don't trust that guy. Ah, sure.
You're just like Gus Adamson, nice and honest.
Okay. I'll find out tonight. That's swell. I knew you'd do it.
Stop it!
Stop.
Please stop it.
Stop it. Stop the music.
Stop it!
Stop the music, will ya?
As I stand beneath your window
I wish I were a bird
I would fly into your window
If you would say the word
Then we'd fly away together
And we'd build a little nest
Just tell me that you're willing
And love will do the rest
Is it yes
Or is it no
Do you love me do you hate me
Should I stay or should I go
Here am I with my love
Waiting all aglow
Is it yes
Or is it
No
Oh I'm really out to get you
No matter where you'll be
And the moment that I'll get you
I'll never let you be
Bring your heart out in the open
Oh, there you are, Amigo!
Try and hide it if you can
You are looking at a woman
Who's out to get her man
A-ooo-a ooo-a ooo-a
Is it yes
Or is it no
Do you love me, do you hate me should I stay or go Stop it, stop it.
My life all depends how the wind will blow Stop the music.
Is it yes or is... Please stop the samba.
Please don't let 'em play the samba.
'Cause my life all depends
How the wind will blow
Don't!
Is it yes
Or is it no
Fellas, please. Quiet, will you, fellas?
No more samba. Please, fellas, quiet.
I've got two arms to hold you
To hold you here tonight
Tell me what have you got arms for, huh
Unless to hold me tight Oh, don't.
Darling, what would be your answer
If I begged you for a kiss
Ah, you wouldn't have to answer
If you could feel like this
Whoo-whoo!
Is it yes
Or is it no
Do you love me, do you hate me should I stay or go Stop the music.
Do we do, do we don't turn the lights down low
Is it yes
Or is it no
Whoo!
So it's you. You take a shortcut? Kiss me, my little fish.
You have set my blood on fire. I'll call the fire department.
All day I try to control myself, but it's no use.
Kiss me. No.
I got my good name to think about... two names to think about.
Come on. Make like this.
Like a prune, huh?
Was you a bugler in the Girl Scouts? Come on! Come on!
Don't you know Dagmar is crazy nuts for you?
Kiss me. Kiss me!
Oh, oh. Ohhhhh!
What's the matter? Do I affect you this way?
Dagmar? Dagmar!
My hand.
Why don't you leave me alone?
I'm in a hurry to get to the fiesta. You're handsome...
beautiful, irresistible.
I'm like putty in your hands. Come on. Kiss me.
No. If I was to kiss you, you'd lose your respect for me.
But Dagmar is crazy mad for you!
For you I would slave.
I would work my bones to the fingers.
I would sew on buttons.
A torn pocket I would mend.
A ripped lining I would fix.
Your suits I would keep nice and ironed.
I would make everything comfortable!
Always in order, the pillows I would keep.
An extra pillow for your head to rest on, I would have.
The pillows I would always keep puffed for you.
Look, under the cushions, dust.! This I would not stand for.
Your couch, look! A tear!
I would have everything the best for you!
Dagmar? Yes?
I don't mean to be inquisitive. Uh-huh.
Neither do I wish to be impolite,
but what are you doing?
I'm doing all this for love.
Just for one little kiss. I need you! No.
I'm a woman of determination.
When I make up my mind what I want... what I want, I get.
And what I want is a kiss.
No. Always you say "no. " I'm not good enough?
You are stuck on yourself! I am not.!
So there! I know. There is another woman.
No, there isn't. And every time you look at me, you think of her.
Oh... no!
You don't want to hurt her, but you constantly hurt me.
Dagmar, I don't want to hurt you.
If anyone's gonna get hurt, it's gonna be me.
Why don't you make love to me?
I'd like to... but I feel like something's holding me back.
Dagmar, how am I ever gonna know when I'm in love?
Ahh, you will know.
It strikes you when you least expect it.
Something great will hit you!
Boy! Boy-oh-boy!
Did love hit me!
It was a whopper. And I thought I would feel it right here.
And to prove how much I love you, I will tell you something.
Do you know that Harry Lambert is after your money? That's why I hid it.
He's a pretty smart fellow. He may have found it already.
Where did you hide it? I hid it...
Dagmar? Hmm?
Come with me.
Dagmar, do you love me? Mm-hmm.
Will you clean up this mess... please? All right.
Thank you.
"See map in center drawer. "
Dagmar?
Dagmar! Coming.!
Dagmar, I've got some news for you. What?
I'm smarter than Harry Lambert. Little Amigo is smart like foxes.
I better go now. Dagmar, there's something I gotta tell you.
I don't want you to think that I'm selfish or a miser.
Sit down. Sit down.
You know what? What?
I'm gonna give you that kiss. I've changed my mind.
I've changed my mind too. You know, your blood... she's "on fire"?
I'm gonna put it out!
Ohhh!
I've kissed many men before,
but never, never have I felt so gay, so light!
It was electrifying, wasn't it?
There's nobody here.
Ohhh!
What's the... yi-yi-yi!
The fiesta awaits the Amigo. Excuse me.
Dagmar, I must go. The fiesta awaits.
But while I'm gone... water these.
Girls, let's go. Boy, are we gonna have fun!
Mr. Winthrop, what are you doin' in Acapulco? Can I talk to you?
You sure can. Girls, you run along.
We're gonna have a fiesta. That's Spanish for clambake.
You can't do this.
Wait. I know my rights. I want to lodge a complaint.
I'll do the talking. Your picnic is over.
Photographs of the Amigo Americano landed in the Iowa newspapers.
My picture was in the paper? Will my mama be proud!
They're also hanging in Iowa post offices... Good!
Mr. Joe Bascom!
Joe Bascom.
David, what's this all about?
I don't suppose you knew this man was Joe Bascom.
I did, David... You three had it figured out.
Make Bascom the Amigo Americano. That was an accident.
In Taxco, instead of his prepared speech, he makes your swindler's spiel.
You had the job of keeping me out of the way.
Mr. Winthrop, you're all wrong about Miss Montana. Never mind, Joe.
I'm afraid I was all wrong about Mr. Winthrop. Skip it.
You both sound as phony as that stock. Stock?
The joke is on you. That stock is good.
I know because I made it myself.
I got my fountain pen and signed with my own little hand.
Harry, you tell 'em. You've already told 'em.
Now you'll have to tell it to a judge.
Tell it to a judge? Yeah.
Harry, isn't that stock any good?
So you... did it again.
You low-down crook!
Why do you do it to me?
Look, Mr. Winthrop, Montana and me didn't know.
I saved every cent so we could give it back to the people in Iowa.
He thought he was smart, but I outsmarted him.
I got the money. I hid the mo...
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
I got the money hidden in the drapery.
The drapery? The money?
The money's gone. The money.
Dagmar. Dagmar!
Dagmar? She's gone too.
I gotta get Dagmar. Take it easy.
You're not going anywhere. I've gotta get Dagmar.
That's the only way I can prove I'm telling the truth.
I'm sick of playing games with you guys. iViva el Amigo Americano.!
Hold it a minute, Mason.
Let him go.
They're calling for you. Go out on the balcony and take a bow.
Hold off until the end of Amigo Americano Week tomorrow. We can't risk the scandal.
Do we let them go to Mexico City? I think you'd better.
They'll expect to see her there with the Amigo.
Okay, Mr. Winthrop, you're the boss.
Mason, go out there with the Amigo. Yes, sir.
Come on in, Bascom, the shouting's ov...
Hey, Tim, Mr. Winthrop! Come here. He's gone.
How long do I have to wear this jewelry?
Until we catch up with your little fat friend.
Then we'll turn you over to the Mexican authorities.
When they're through, they'll turn you back to us.
This would have to happen. I'll take care of it.
Get your things out. I'll help you.
Here comes the tamale wagon, and I'm starved! Me too!
That sounds all right to me.
Hey, senora.!
Senora?
No, senora, wait a minute!
Wait a minute. All we want is something to eat.
What have you got to eat?
I'll have an enchilada and tortilla. Sounds good to me.
Three enchiladas and tortillas. Sí, senora.
While we're waitin', we might as well finish that tire.
Joe Bascom? No, Humphrey Fish.
Who do you think you're kidding with this outfit? Me no speak-a English.
Well, I do!
I've got a good mind to turn you over to those cops. You wouldn't dare.
Then find a way of getting us out of this. No!
I hope they put you in jail and give you life... and 30 days besides.
I hope you have to pay a $2 fine too. You'll be in the same cell.
Oh... what am I gonna do?
I'm just a poor, helpless old woman...
bending over a hot stove,
baking my hot tortillas and my enchiladas.
Oh, never mind that. My enchiladas.
We've gotta get out of here. Get outta here.
Find Dagmar and get that dough. There must be some way.
I've got it! Wouldn't it seem strange...
that your wonderful cooking should cause these policemen some internal discomforts?
Would make 'em sick too. You're a genius.
I think I am too. Certainly.
What's the matter?
What are you doin'?
What are you cooking? Fix up your stuff.
Go ahead.
Keep your hand off the stove, you dummy!
Kay-enny, Kay-enny. Cayenne, cayenne.
Kay-enny. Kay-enny. All right, call it what you want.
Hot peppers. Ooo! I can smell 'em.
Pepper. Pepper. Put it on.
All right, all right.
Okay. Okay.
No-no. Shh.
Hold your nose, hold your nose!
All right? Swell.
Phew, hmm!
Take it easy, take it easy.
Are you all right?
Attaboy.
Easy. Oh, boy!
All right. Put it back.
Come on.
Get me up. Get me up!
Get up.
Put it back in the pot.
Roll it up. Roll it up!
Roll this one up.
Well, are they all ready? Pretty near.
Looks good, eh?
Ahhh! Smells delicious!
Okay, bright eyes, you try the first one.
Uh-oh.
Go ahead. Smells delicious.
You're first. Go ahead.
No, no, senora.
Make us up a fresh batch and go easy on the hot stuff.
What does she say? Wants you to make a little one for yourself.
Same to you.
It'll be ready in a minute.
Ah! Pepper!
Nice work.
Senor, you are rotten trombone player.
Please keep the tempo with us.
When I give you the downbeat, play! All right.
On the downbeat, you play.
Ha! Here.
Sorry.
Senor.
When I give you the downbeat, play. Okay.
Okay! Okay, okay.
You are also one rotten piccolo player!
Play it in English so I can understand what's going on.
I'm paying you a lot of money, all your musicians.
Play the way I play. That would be impossible!
"That would be impossible!" That...
Ohhh!
Sorry, senor, no música, please.
Play, gypsies, play.
You stick with her. I'll wait for Winthrop. Don't worry, chief.
If those guys try to get near her, I'll nab 'em.
They might be dressed up like the Queen of the May.
I could spot that little fat goat...
even if he was made up like one of these mariachi players. Yeah.
Stop the music.
No, senor, I not Beethoven or Tchaikovsky.
Maybe I never play in the concert hall of Paris or London,
but some things a poor musician cannot do... not even for money.
Come, amigos.!
Senor, perdóneme.
Pueblo...
domingo...
zarape...
hacienda...
maneja, el toro...
iSenor.!
Sí.
Where can I find, "Get out of my way"? Try page 28.
Twenty-eight, thank you. You're welcome.
Where is that money you claimed Dagmar took? Huh?
Where is that money? Money? Wait... money.
Oh, never... Come on. Come on!
Now, Bascom, where is that money? Dagmar's got it.
That's a lie. I searched her apartment and it wasn't there.
Honest. Where's the money?
I don't know, but I'm gonna find it before you do!
Bascom!
What's up, Chief? Bascom. He's here somewhere.
There he is!
Oh! There he goes.
Bascom! Bascom, come back here.
Aaah!
I've seen rodeos in the States, but never any clowns like this fellow.
Many of our charlotada performers...
are fine bullfighters in their own right.
Wow!
Aaah!
Come along quietly, Bascom.
Fish?
Go on.
Go on.!
Go on.
Go on!
iOlé.!
Just don't sit there. Do something!
Okay, senores, let's play.
Hey!
Stop the music.
Hey! Hey!
Uh-oh.!
Hey!
Stop the music, please!
Whew.
Aaah!
Harry, let me outta here.
Tell me where Dagmar is. There's bulls all over.
That thing chasing me ain't no kangaroo.
Hey. Hey! Hey!
Fish? Fish! Stop.
I've been looking for you. You stole my money. I didn't steal it, darling.
I only took it so Harry Lambert wouldn't get it.
Well, where is it?
See you later!
Dagmar! Lambert!
Here, Fish, catch!
Dagmar, Bascom tells me you've got the dough.
Not now, wise guy. I tried to give it back to my little Fish.
Now the bull's got it. The money's in the hat. In the hat? Joe!
Joe, the money's in the hat.
In the hat. Get it back.
The money's in the hat. Look where the hat is.
It's gotta be in one of those things sticking up there.
Ahh-ahh-ahh.
I told you to get the hat, didn't I? He won't give it to me.
Don't let him think you're afraid. Show him who's boss.
He knows who's boss. Listen, make him think that you're brave.
Go out there like a toreador,
face him like a picador and fight him like a matador.
And they'll carry me out like a cuspidor. Get the hat!
Quit stalling, Joe.
Step up to him. Look him square in the eye.
Aaah! Come back with that hat!
No!
Lambert, come back here with that hat!
You can have it!
Give me back that hat! No.
I want that money.
Give me the money.! No.
Are you all right? Thanks a lot, fellows.
Mr. Winthrop? Mr. Winthrop.!
Catch!
Money!
Aaah!
Ohhhh!
Boy, is that bull tired.
Me too.
Every dollar is here, Mason.
Thanks to Bascom, we'll be able to make complete restitution.
There's no dope like an honest dope.
You could've held out enough money to get us to South America.
Why you... "pff. "
"Pff"! Don't you "pff" me!
My "pff" is as good as your "pff. "
Keep your "pff" to yourself! "Pff-pff"!
Joe, you're wonderful.
You made David realize how wrong he's been. He apologized.
Bascom, in order to make amends to you, I'll see to it no charges are pressed.
Well, that leaves me in the clear. We can forget 'em in Iowa too.
I feel like a little lover.
Oh, Dagmar.
You smell beautiful. What is that perfume?
Kiss of Love. $25 an ounce. Smell this.
Mmm, that's good. What is it? Ketchup, ten cents a bottle.
Say "I love you," Joe. Huh?
Say "I love you," Joe.
I love you, Joe.
It ain't gonna work. We're both in love with the same guy.
I love you, Joe. That's me.
Dagmar, I'm gonna give you a kiss that... oh, what a kiss.
Joe?